WHAT IS GOING ON WITH SINGLE IN GIDI?

I remember when I started this blog, I had so much drive in me to talk about the things that concern single people in Nigeria and how to face society and its pressure of marriage. This was in 2014 and I was 28. People caught the bug fast, and soon enough we were all talking about it and making fun of the experiences we all faced.

By 2015, there were 2 stage plays which were hits, I got married and by 2016, I was a solo mother and separated. My whole world changed and even though I still believed in the Single in Gidi brand I struggled to keep up with it.

From the blog, we grew a community, a Facebook group, a few events and then in 2017 and 2018, two more stage productions, again stage hits because the experiences are always something to laugh about, but by 2017, I knew Single in Gidi had to change somehow because the Visioneer (being me) had changed.

I became more focused on impact, letting people know that being single was not the end of the world, especially for those over the age of 30, because our society had set toxic standards of viewing age 30 as the end of life. I cared more about the choices we made as single people and finding happiness for ourselves before finding someone to share it with.

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So by Nov 2017, The Inner Nexus Community was born. TIN (as the members like to call it) is a member- only social club strictly for single professionals and entrepreneurs, over the age of 30, in Nigeria. In a little over a year, it has grown with members in Lagos, Port-Harcourt, Abuja, and Accra. Using exclusive events organized in-house and open to only members and recommended guests accompanied by a member, we strive to enhance the lives of our members through high-profile networking and experiences. We have fun !!! but most of all, TIN is changing the narrative and now we have a waiting list of people about to turn 30 looking forward to being a part of this community instead of dreading the fact that they were single. We have members who have seen their lives impacted positively because they are being encouraged to live their best lives. We have built a family.

As for me, I have started sharing my experience again, this time as a podcast and with a totally different vision from what I had with Single in Gidi. The podcast channel is called Single and a Baby, and it can be found on all major podcast apps.

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To be honest, I don’t know what next for Single in Gidi, maybe a few events this year, maybe a few posts. Just know that when SIG returns, it won’t be business as usual.

For now, you can follow Single And a Baby on Instagram and subscribe to the podcast.

Oh and Happy New Year,

Mz Gidi.

HAVE THE YORUBA DEMONS REBRANDED?

Last week, Falz introduced us to the Sweet Boy Association, a group of young men who are successful in whatever industry, look good always and are ‘sweet boys’. So many questions have been asked as to if these sweet boys are just demons who are trying too hard to change the Yoruba demon narrative. So let’s take a look at who these sweet boys are and compare them to the Yoruba demons.

1. Sweet boys are successful – You cannot call yourself a sweet boy if you are not successful in what you do. Whether it be music, like the president Falz or fashion, or corporate law or petroleum engineering, whatever your hand finds to do, you must do it well. Yoruba Demons, on the other hand, is all-inclusive, whether successful or not, a Yoruba demon is a Yoruba demon.
2. Sweet boys dress well ALWAYS– Mostly because they can afford to, whether it be agbada, kaftan, sweatpants or a three-piece suit, you can never catch a sweet boy looking anyhow. On the other hand, Yoruba demons are known for their uniform, the white or black agbada.
3. Sweet boys are good looking – This is not in all cases, but most sweet boys are well groomed and in most cases are also members of the #beardgang.
4. Sweet boys are influential – In addition to being successful, sweet boys are a voice to reckon with in whatever industry which means not all men who are rich or successful can be sweet boys.

So have Yoruba demons rebranded to be called Sweet boys? No, they haven’t.

Sweet boys are the grandfathers of Yoruba demons. Yoruba Demons are learners where you have sweet boys so ladies don’t be fooled.

They are the ones you will go to church to give testimony for, the ones your friends would be slightly jealous of, the ones you’ll be quick to introduce to your family, the ones you’ll lose your senses for and definitely the ones to break your heart in the worst way possible.

Anybody can be a Yoruba demon but not all can be a member of the Sweet Boy Association, when you meet one, you’re going to need extra prayers.

 

YOU CHOOSE, HE CHASES – TEDX TALK BY ANNIE WHITE

On this Tedx Talk, Annie White, a dating and relationship coach, talks on how to choose as an independent single woman instead of being waiting to be found

Do you agree with her? As a lady, have you tried this ‘move’ before? 

Use the comment box below let’s discuss

THE PROBLEM WITH SEEKING PERFECTION

We all know that it is impossible to find something or someone perfect but somehow we all end up with these lists of what we may or may not want, without leaving room for mistakes. You can blame Hollywood or maybe Nollywood, but we cannot deny the fact that a lot of us have this warped idea of what our perfect spouse should be like and end up living in this bubble because we believe we can find the ‘one’… the perfect one.

For women, it is the man who is the ultimate provider, protector, and one who professes undying love from the top of the highest mountains. He has to be rolling in millions or maybe on his way there (fast), he must be a spiritual, financial and not to be left out, physical leader. He must love family (no mummy’s boys), treat everyone with respect, be romantic (Hollywood style), have no anger issues, must have attractive emotions (not too much) , must be great to look at, a GQ dresser, possibly be a member of the beard gang and must be ‘packing’ down below.

For men, it is the woman that has the brains of Michelle Obama, one who can be the first lady- the powerhouse but must come in the body of Kim Kardashian or maybe Beyonce. She must be a second mother but not treat him like a child, be opinionated yet subservient, she must be a great cook, prayer warrior, love kids, have controlled emotions, not dependent but not too independent and let’s not forget, she must know all the positions in the kama sutra.

They just have to be ‘perfect’

It is this quest for perfection that defines our dating society today. This contemporary dating game of jumping in and out of relationships so quickly without getting to know the person before we swipe left. One minute he’s everything you think you wanted until you realise he doesn’t send good morning texts and flowers “just because it’s Tuesday”, so you swipe left… or she’s your dream girl and more but doesn’t like to cook so, Next!

What we call dates are really interrogation sessions, searching for flaws, calling them ‘red flags’ without getting to know the person right in front of you. We ignore their history, we look at the now, walking around with mental checklists,  ticking the boxes we believe should be filled.

I am not saying you should settle, or take whatever is available, all I am saying is that the quest for the perfect one is a mission that will never be completed because there is no perfect person.

The problem with seeking perfection is that you remain single, waiting for an illusion to manifest and denying yourself the opportunity to really get to know people and possibly fall in love with who they truly are.

Love, relationships, and marriages are real, not perfect, that is, the ups, downs and everything in between. It is a never-ending process of uniting with someone who connects with you in every way including flaws.

Let’s step back from this fast-paced Hollywood idea of falling in love. No more Tinder-style relationships where you swipe left without deep thought, no more red flag hunting, no more jumping into beds only to jump out 2 days later, just good old conversation and understanding the people right in front of us.

If we all sought perfection, then no one would deserve to be given a chance, not even you.

HOW NOT TO BE TREATED AS ONE OF THE GUYS (as advised by men)

Men and women can be friends, as a matter of fact, I like that I have the ability to be friends with guys and girls at the same time. I guess growing up as a tomboy and having mostly male cousins around me taught me how to get along with guys, understand guy jokes, being free with them e.t.c.

Thing is, being so ‘cool’ with male gender brings the problem of being treated as one of the ‘guys’. Just imagine, you meet someone, you like him, you’re getting to know him, before long you’re either talking about cars and video games and next thing you might be the one he’ll be asking for a hook up with some chic or asking you for advice on another chic he likes.

Let’s face it, no one wants to be friend zoned or worse still, sister-zoned and this is an unfortunate occurrence that happens a lot to women. I, personally know how many good guys I have met that have either friend zoned, sister zoned or mother zoned me in the last how many years of my life (worse now that I am a single mother).

So I decided to ask the guys of the #SIGNATION, what a sister had to do to NOT be treated as one of the guys, and here is what they had to say.

• Be yourself – Truth is guys will see you whichever way their brain interprets it and to try to change who you are in any way would mean being untrue to yourself.  Guys see through that in a heartbeat and are turned off by it so don’t change who you are for anything.
• Say what you want – Be clear about what you’re about and what you want with the guy in question. I know in our society, it could be mistaken as being forward or desperate but that’s the risk you must be willing to take or you will be zoned out.
• If you end up in an FWB situation, refer to #2 – Being stuck in an FWB (friends with benefit) situation is worse than being friend zoned. Having sex with your crush complicates things further because you most likely start acting like the girlfriend without the ‘commitment’ until they find someone else and then tell you they’d have to let you go. If you ever end up here (because sometimes our bodies can do anyhow) make sure to refer to #2 above and if the person is not on the same page with you, then please walk away.
• Have Solo hangouts – If you notice that he only hangs out with you in groups, especially with his other guy friends, then you need to come out of that by cutting off group hangouts. Invite him for a dinner or a play or stuff that couples would do and if he’s smart enough, he’ll get the hint before long, if not, then my sister I don’t know again.
• Avoid taking charge ALL the time – If you have an independent mind like me, you’ll occasionally want to take charge of a situation. The guys advice against as it makes guys either awkward or they will see you as ‘one of the guys’. Their advice is to allow them to do things and if you want to take charge, do it subtly through suggestions. A man wants to still feel like a man around any woman.
• Don’t be the mother – You might have to turn down your nurturing personality around the guys. He is an adult, so resist the urge to fuss over the guy. Even guys with mom fetishes don’t want the fussy mothers, they want the hot MILF. It’s okay to take care of people and actually be in charge but with a potential “him” you need to be his baby.

And that’s it from the men in the group!. Now you tell me, do you agree or disagree? Have you been treated as one of the guys by your crush and somehow got to date/marry him? Use the comment box below and let’s hear your thoughts.

THE BREAKUP CHECKLIST

A few weeks ago, I was invited to the EbonyLife TV Moments’ roundtable, Girls Talk, to share my thoughts on having a checklist after a breakup.

Watch and let me know what you think

So what do you think?

What are the right steps to take after a breakup?

Should every woman have a checklist to consider before moving onto the next relationship after a breakup?

Use the comment box below, let’s discuss

 

 

#BYSYSERIES: ARE YOU STILL YOU?

Change is THE only constant thing…that’s quite a popular saying.

As we grow older, our thoughts, opinions and ideas change. The woman I was 10 years ago and the woman I am now are 2 different people, however, regardless of experiences over the years, some things have remained the same.

These things that do not change over time define who I am as a person. Your personal traits may modify a little bit but someone who knew you 10 years ago and now should be able to identify these things that haven’t change, like your beliefs, values, what you like to do and possibly opinions on come topics.

When entering into a relationship or sometimes while in a relationship, we occasionally lose ourselves and become someone else. I say we, because almost everyone at one point or another has lost themselves while dating. We adopt a different personality in a bid to please our partners and become the ‘ideal’ girlfriend/boyfriend.

A little change is fine, a little compromise acceptable, however, there is a problem when we become someone else and our friends/family can no longer recognize us.

This can happen for so many reasons. Sometimes it’s our own fault, we really want to make this relationship work so we get lazy and neglect areas of our life because it is easier that way.

Other times it can be because our partner is insecure or mistrusting so they may make us feel guilty for doing the things that are important to us. The problem with this is that we lose a big part of ourselves and soon enough we want out.

So before you say yes, are you still you?

Here’s how you know if you’ve lost yourself:

1. You change your opinions for peace sake – Once in a while, your partner may say something that genuinely changes your mind however if you find yourself ALWAYS agreeing or changing your opinions because you do not want to have an argument then you may be sacrificing yourself. One thing you should ask yourself is, if this relationship is over, would you still agree with your partner’s view?
2. You sacrifice your interest for theirs – It’s normal for people in a relationship to try to understand each other better by engaging in each other’s favorite hobbies. But ask yourself whether if you’ve taken up their hobbies or researched their interests to understand them or to impress them. Are you also downplaying your interests to be with them? Are you pretending to not like the things you like just so you can be accepted?
3. Their problems become yours –  It is okay to feel for your partner and want to be a pillar of support when they are having one issue or the other, however, you find yourself taking on their problems like yours and not being able to separate yourself from their situation.
4. You allow your partner choose your friends or you sacrifice your friends for them – You have cut off from a lot of your friends because your partner is uncomfortable with a few. As a matter of fact, the only friends you have at the moment are his/her friends or people you met through them. Initially, it wasn’t anything serious because you wanted to spend more time with your partner however now your friends no longer reach out after months or maybe years of trying and you are left all alone.
5. You seek their approval before making simple decisions – Are you afraid to make decisions without their approval? Do you worry that they will be unhappy with the decisions that you make? Are you constantly seeking validation from them?.
   As humans we need to feel as though we are capable of making our own choices – we need to feel like our own person in order to not lose ourselves in our relationship.

In conclusion, the problem of being someone else is that soon enough you will lose the act and the real you will come out, sometimes like a ticking time bomb.  Be truthful to yourself, and to your partner, are you really being you or are they about to marry a complete stranger?

#BYSYSERIES: HOW IS S(HE) WITH MONEY?

I apologise for the break, Lagos life got the best of me but now I’m back so let’s kiss and makeup…*muah*

Last time, I wrote on the influence of outsiders on your relationship and how the people with the most influence could be the ones with the most control. If you didn’t read it then, click here and check it out, if this is your first post then you should go through the series.

SOOO, let’s talk about MONEY!

Source: Single Black Male

Personal Finance is one of those topics that is often overlooked in a relationship. As a matter of fact, in the Nigerian society, the evaluation of a partner’s finance is how much stuff he can get you. You know, the iPhones, the trips, the laptops and so on, for some reason we are made to believe that buying you everything you ask for is what makes a man financially attractive.

I’m not saying getting gifts is a bad thing, that you should return all them and run for your dear life. All I am saying is, you need to look beyond the gifts and deep into his/her financial responsibility. Money or the mismanagement of it, is one of the major issues in marriage that could lead to a divorce if not handled properly.

So, before you say yes, how is (s)he with money?

How do you know when someone is a financial mismatch or a nightmare, especially since there is the unwritten rule of keeping money related matters ‘private’. You don’t say what you earn, you don’t ask for money, you don’t ask for their debt e.t.c. Well here are a few red flags to look out for:

They spend like there’s no tomorrow – At the start of your relationship, this may be quite fancy, you know, the dinners, vacations, expensive gifts and so on, however, you know that they do not have the ‘Otedola kind of money’ and they may be sacrificing other ‘needs’ for the luxury.

Only the best for the big spenders. And those things are great if you know there is money to pay for it all after the needs are met. But if they’re popping champagne on beer money, then you need to be asking some questions, you need to know that there is a plan for ‘tomorrow’.

They don’t have a budget – As a matter of fact, they don’t know what a budget is. In some cases, they have a ‘faith’ budget. Nothing wrong with believing God, however, there is a line when it becomes financial irresponsibility than having faith. 

They forget crucial bills or don’t plan for them – You don’t have to be living with your partner to notice that they’re not paying their bills on time. It feels like they are constantly worried about paying one outstanding or the other, and when rent is due, all hell breaks loose, like they never knew rent was going to be due (in a year).

They borrow money A LOT and hardly pay back – Whether from you or from someone else. They always need money for a short period of time before the next big deal pulls through which in most cases never happens. And in some cases, they get a loan to pay an existing loan.

You’re not sure what they do with their money – We all have our vices when it comes to spending money; when I was younger, I used to spend a lot of my money on CDs (thank God for Apple Music now), my then boyfriend always knew when I got paid because there would be a new CD in my car, so he KNEW where my money went to, just like I knew his went to fine dining.

When you are with someone, you should be able to tell where their money goes to, or what they do with it. I didn’t say check their alerts every day but you should be worried if one minute they have money and the next they cannot account for 80% of what they spent their money on. It means they are not accountable, even to themselves.

They are quick to sell their property – Anytime they need money, the first thing to do is sell something around them. First cell phone, then Television and soon enough they’re selling everything they own to raise money. Besides being financially irresponsible it also proves that they do not value anything. It means once money is involved they will be willing to let go.

That’s it for now, there are a lot more financial red flags however these are the most obvious in a relationship. If you have noticed any of the above patterns then maybe you need to evaluate, discuss financial matters with your partner-to-be as these can or will affect positively or negatively your relationship. Nobody is perfect, we are all working towards being better people. 

Are there other financial red flags you’d like to share? Leave a comment below and let’s talk about it. If you have any questions, send an email to singleingidi@gmail.com.

Until next time,

Mz Gidi

HOW TO DATE WHEN YOU’RE NOT READY TO SETTLE DOWN

I know what you’re thinking, like Aunty eskiss me, what’s the point of dating if you’re not ready to settle down but before we go ahead let me point out that dating is one of the often misunderstood terms. For some “dating” means being in a serious relationship with someone, whereas for others–like me, ‘dating’ is seeing multiple people to discover your perfect fit. If you want to take it further, some people think dating around is another excuse to sleep around but hey that’s a personal choice and I do not personally subscribe to that school of thought.

As we are at the start of the new year, I am certain that there are probably a few people who have decided to take time off a serious relationship, maybe they are coming out of a messy breakup or just want to take time to rediscover themselves. Folks in this situation often find themselves caught up trying to figure out how to go about their desires without hurting someone else in the process.

If you are not ready to settle down but are open to dating, here’s how you should go about it.

BE UPFRONT ABOUT YOUR DECISION – in most cases, the problem begins when you are not upfront about your intention and where you are in your life at that moment. This very important ‘withheld’ information makes it difficult and awkward for you. You should tell the person that you’re really just trying to get to know them better and are not ready to settle down. That puts the ball in their court and takes the pressure off you. If they really want to get to know you as well, they’ll stick around, if not, then at least you were honest.

BE OPEN TO ALL YOUR OPTIONS – Forget about your ‘spec’ during this phase and just get to know people. During this phase, other than finding what you want, you will also discover what it is that you do not want in a partner and possibly what turns you off in someone who may be interested in you. That is the art of dating, that is being able to connect with different people to find that missing puzzle piece.

REMEMBER YOU COME FIRST –  You should put yourself first in this process and by that I mean you are striving to learn more about yourself. That’s the point of being in this phase, of discovering what it is about you that may attract who it does or what makes you tick as a person. Your discovery at this time will help when you decide to have a serious relationship.

DO NOT BE RUDE ABOUT IT – Do not do the disappearing act or stop returning calls and messages abruptly, that’s not only rude but immature and believe me you do not want to be remembered as that fellow because no matter what you say in future, you will be remembered as the guy/girl who just dropped off the face of the earth.

KEEP SEX OUT OF IT – Dating different people doesn’t mean sleeping different around. When you take sex off the table, you will find that you will be a lot more clear-headed in making decisions. Sex always complicates things, people will get hurt in the process.

Finally, note that it is perfectly okay to not be ready to settle down, being in a serious relationship and ultimately settling down is a big decision.  However, it is NOT okay to use it as an excuse to be a player, to be unfaithful or to hurt people in the process. If you are not ready to be in a serious relationship, don’t feel awkward about it, make sure you are being honest and of course safe.

Happy New Year Guys!!…here’s to 2018 filled with the very best for us all.

 

12 DATING GOALS YOU SHOULD TOTALLY CONSIDER IN 2018

It’s that time of the year again, that time after eating all the Christmas rice and chicken that you begin to plan subconsciously for the new year.

New Year, New you…year of hitting the gym, saving more, investing more and so on. Soon it will be New Year’s Eve and if you’re like me you’ll probably be in church before midnight and at the stroke of midnight you will begin to get the ‘this is your year’ prophecies, this year we will come and eat jollof, bla bla bla. You know what I mean.

One thing that we never really do when dating is set goals, we often just go with the flow and in most cases dating then becomes a struggle and by the end of the year we end up sad or devastated that we did not accomplish what we set out to for the year. What I have always wondered is, if we can set goals for other areas in our lives, why don’t we set goals in dating other than the goal of getting married.

Whether you’re single, in a serious relationship, or one of the many things in between, dating is a part of your life, therefore it is important that you set goals and make them a priority. We all make mistakes, and all the advice in the world can sometimes be useless until we have to go through a bad experience and figure things out the hard way but it doesn’t stop us from trying. Hopefully, you might have learnt a thing or two about yourself when it comes to dating and are willing to take the plunge one more time.

Here are 12 dating goals you should totally consider in 2018

1. Try to meet more people OFFLINE – I admit, I am one of those people who has more friends made online than offline, it has become a habit that when I go for events sometimes, I do not know how to interact with people. In 2018, make it a goal to meet more new people in person, at events, house parties e.t.c Make eye contact when you go to events, smile, be approachable, I am not suggesting you make a move on every guy you see, but it can’t hurt to strike up a conversation every once in a while.
2. Eliminate textationships/situationships – Unless of course, that’s what you want for yourself. If not there’s no need continuing what is not going anywhere.
3. Think beyond Drinks/Dinner/Movies – I know options are limited in Lagos when it comes to dating ideas but if you’re adventurous enough, you will find a few out of the box options, like a taking a tour, day trip to the outskirts of Lagos and community service. Ideas like these will teach you a little bit more about yourself and the other person.
4. Delete Tinder – Let’s be honest, tinder does not have a good reputation in Lagos especially as a woman on there so no need deceiving yourself swiping left and right, thinking your Mr. Man will show up.
5. Be open to being matched – Whether it be a matchmaker, friend or family, don’t knock down the offers to be matched. Go on these blind dates and see what else is out there for you. If you don’t like them, they might have a friend or cousin for you 🙂
6. Step out of your comfort zone – Try doing something different from what you would usually do. Try it at least once.
7. Forget the past – Leave 2016, 2015 and 2017 in 2017 and that includes no drunk texting, lonely messaging or whatever you want to call it. If you ever have one of those feelings (especially with Valentine’s Day around the corner), call up a friend and go hang out
8. STOP Settling – You wouldn’t settle for a pair of shoes that don’t fit so stop settling when it comes to dating, whether it be personality, spirituality, bad sex or musical taste, you shouldn’t settle. Also imagine how you would feel if you were being settled for, if you don’t like that feeling, then don’t do it to someone else.
9. If he/she is not contacting you, let them be – If they want to spend time with you, they would make an effort to stop putting yourself in an awkward situation
10. Stop entertaining married men/women – Yes the attention may be nice, somehow they know what and what not to do but this isn’t some Nollywood/Hollywood romcom, they’re someone else’s so stop entertaining them.
11. Call more, text/message less – Make an effort to call, it shows interest
12. BE YOURSELF – If you have to be someone else to go on a date with a new guy/girl then it’s not worth the stress. Let them know the real you, not the facade you are putting up.

And that’s if for my dating goals you should totally consider in 2018, do you agree with setting dating goals or do you think there’s no point for one? Use the comment box below to let me know. Also, share some of the dating goals you are willing to try in 2018.