Timiebix: Yo, Mz Gidi!!

Mz Gidi: Sup?!

Timiebix: Have you ever tried googling sugar baby?

Mz Gidi: Why are you so random tho?

Timiebix: I’ve been thinking. I want to be a sugar baby, like a proper sugar baby in Lagos.

Mz Gidi: Why would you want to do that to your rep?

Timiebix: Who rep ‘epp? Think about it na, the average Nigerian does not earn enough to live a decent life. See, I’ve been struggling in this Lagos since I moved back so why would I reject someone who wants to shower me with attention, life of luxury and maybe smoh sugar??? I’ve even done my research and majority of Lagos agree with me.

Mz Gidi: Why did you lie it was for a new post when really you were just seeking validation from twitter?

Timiebix: That’s not the point, 67% agree with me. So it should be legal, a proper profession to be given credit for.

Mz Gidi: Out of only 21 votes…I’m not sure if that’s a proper sample size.

Timiebix: You have come again. I sha want to be a sugar baby.

Mz Gidi: Fine! So what will you be giving in return for all of this?

Timiebix: Companionship, someone to listen to them. You know these men are powerful men who tend to have busy lives and sometimes busy partners who cannot make time out for them. Moreover, they tend to marry women below their educational level, so trust me when I say my level of exposure is a plus to them.

Mz Gidi: Ummm I think you have it all mixed up o…you know companionship also comes with providing ‘smoh’ sugar on your part. That’s the whole point of being a Sugar baby… but who am I to judge? Me I can’t see myself being a sugar baby sha…

Timiebix: All the bags of sugar I’ve been dispensing without any dividends nko? A little sugar here and there makes the world remain on its axis, one has to practice the law of balance. There are a lot of girls that “give” sugar for little to nothing so why not go big and get maximum dividends for your sugar investments

Mz Gidi: It’s not only sugar investments. I just can’t see myself being with a man the age of my grandfather sha, whether single or married, there is something not just right with it. Is it that all the young men in Lagos have finished that you are now considering a Baba?

Timiebix: Most young boys that don’t know what they want. Today it’s a partner that will go Dutch on the rent and school fees, tomorrow it’s a stay at home wife, breeding children while barefoot and stirring a pot of egusi soup and don’t get me started on their wack sex game.

Mz Gidi: You didn’t just go there.

Timiebix: See, the thing people need to know is that sugar babying transcends age. The sugar daddy image has been revamped, they are not necessarily old, wrinkly and quarter to die. Yes, the older the better as your schedule as a sugar baby might not be as packed if he’s in his 70s or 80s but this doesn’t mean girls don’t go for the young guys in their early 40s as well. The most important criteria in choosing a sugar daddy is his net-worth and not necessarily age, as long as he has enough spare cash to sustain a sugar baby’s lifestyle, he’s good to go!

Mz Gidi: Soo in summary you just want to be a gold digger? Cause that’s what it sounds like to me.

Timiebix: Ah ah, who is talking about gold digging here? Gold digging is different, it involves the “gold-diggee” being oblivious to the gold digger’s plans or schemes. This is a mutual understanding between two adults. A symbiotic relationship if you want to go all biological, we both benefit something from each other. Some people might say the sugarbaby gets more in this relationship but I don’t think so.

Mz Gidi: Will the sugar baby be buying expensive gifts? Will they be buying autobiography range rovers abi range rover autobiography??

Timiebix: Er I thought I already explained what a sugar baby is now? Who will she be buying expensive gifts for? These men are used to the luxury life and mostly roll in a tight elite circle, it’s an insult to a sugar daddy’s status for his sugar baby to ride coach. That means you’re telling his clique that he’s not man enough biko his rep should not be dissed with poor people mentality. The car is just for convenience, the driver may not be always around to chauffeur her around so getting her a comfortable, safe and luxurious car is standard and not necessarily over the top.

Mz Gidi: Hmmm…you’ve really thought this through haven’t you. So what will you say is your profession now? I mean you can’t be living the luxurious life and not have a proper job.

Timiebix: Did Kim Kardashian have a proper job when she started? How about Paris Hilton? Yes, I know some people will come at me with the “but they had rich daddies” line. This sugar baby business has to be done with sense, yes the life is luxurious but one can’t stupidly think the sugar daddy will be there forever, he might die (most likely), want to move on to something/someone else because you are getting old or just decide he wants out of this life. So one has to be strategic and ensure that the time spent with them leaves one with tangible assets and maybe a few businesses.

I remember reading about a sugar baby that was gifted a whole pub in Italy  by her sugar daddy, now that’s a sugar baby with a solid business sense. Or the one in Naija here, that her sugar daddy revamped her life with cosmetic surgery and she even started a cosmetic line on top, please you need sense for this business.

Mz Gidi: Sounds like a lot of work to me.

Timiebix: It’s a full-time job! Moreover, we’re in Nigeria, one can get away with attributing God and hard work to one’s success without giving any tangible facts or replicable methods.

Mz Gidi: I just can’t with you right now. You obviously seem very convinced and your survey of 21 people doesn’t help matters, so what’s the next step to being a fully employed sugar baby?

Timiebix: Ehen, that’s what you should have said since. I think the government should legalise sugar babying, make it into a law as it’s already prevalent in our society. I also believe this will help existing sugar babies become bold enough to share their stories and even go as far as sharing tips to help the budding sugar baby. I generally think doing this will be freeing as some people can finally publicly thank their sugar daddies for the gifts of oil wells, islands, and board members positions.

Mz Gidi: And then you can tell your mother with boldness that you are a sugar baby.

Timiebix: Every parent’s dream is to have happy, successful and well-rounded children so why not! It might take her a few minutes (read days or years) to adjust to my career choice and if she doesn’t, well I guess that’s one of the prices to pay for this life… Now to submit the motion to someone in power…Governor Rochas Okorocha maybe??

Mz Gidi: Yeeaaaaa…..my hand is not there, I should get back to work

Timiebix: Okay bye, I’ll let you know how it goes

Mz Gidi: Please don’t